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THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


THE 


NEW    TALE    OF   A   TUB; 

A  ET      A  IE)  "F  H  S^ 'JP  IS"  m  H      E  E?      "W  31  IS  i  H  o 


THE 


NEW    TALE    OF    A    TIB: 


1 


AW     Ai®¥"3is^i'wisig     ns5r    w  ibiei^ie:, 


F.    W.    N.    BAYLEY,    ESQ. 

W  S  T  H     I  IL  L  U  ^  ^ITIE  A  1"  Ik  ©  If  S , 


'^;...^*s^r^^^^j^^^ 


AFTER     DESIONS 


IJY    LIEUTENANT    J.     S.    COT'J'ON 


NEW  YORK: 
JOHN     WILEY,     1G7     IJUOADWAY. 

IS  34. 


^3  y/>^ 


LIST   OP   PLATES. 


Opening  the  Question 

.    Vignette  Title. 

Bengal  Ease      ..... 

To  face  Page    9 

The  Artful  Dodge 

11 

Look  before  you  Leap 

"              15 

Under  Cover            .... 

^               17 

Increasing  the  Interest  of  the  Tail 

"              21 

The  Climax             .... 

«              23 

63885! 


OPENING  THE  QUESTION. 


The  Orient  day  was  fi-esh  and  fair, 
A  breeze  sang  soft  in  the  ambient  air, 
Men  almost  wondered  to  find  it  there, 

Blowing  so  near  Bengal ; 
Where  waters  bubble  as  boiled  in  a  pot, 
And  the  gold  of  the  sun  spreads  melting  hot. 
And  there's  hardly  a  breath  of  wind  to  be  got 

At  any  price  at  all ! 
Unless,  indeed,  when  the  great  Simoom 
Gets  up  from  its  bed  with  the  voice  of  doom ; 

And  deserts  no  rains  e'er  drench. 
Rise  up  and  roar  with  a  dreadful  gust. 
Pillars  of  sand  and  clouds  of  dust 
Rushing  unsifted,  and  rapid  to  burst. 
And  filling  all  India's  throat  with  a  thirst 

That  its  Ganges  couldn't  quench ! 

No  great  Simoom  rose  up  to-day. 

But  only  a  gentle  breeze. 
And  that  of  such  silent  and  voiceless  play, 
That  a  Lady's  bustle 
Had  made  more  rustle. 
Than  it  did  among  the  trees ! 


Q  THE   NEW   TALE   OF  A  TUB. 

'T  was  not  like  tlie  breath  of  a  Britisli  vale, 
Wliere  each  green  acre  is  blest  with  a  gale 

Whenever  the  natives  please ; 
But  it  was  of  that  soft,  inviting  sort. 
That  it  tempted  to  revel  in  pic-nic  sport 

A  couple  of  Beugalese ! 

Two  Bengalese 
Resolved  to  seize 
The  balmy  chance  of  that  cool-wing'd  weather, 
To  revel  in  Bengal  Ease  together. 

One  was  tall,  the  other  was  stout, 
They  were  natives  both  of  the  glorious  East, 
And  both  so  fond  of  a  rural  feast, 

That  off  they  roamed  to  a  country  plain 
Where  the  breeze  roved  free  about. 
That  dixrhig  its  visit  brief,  at  least 
If  it  never  were  able  to  blow  again. 
It  might  blow  upon  their  blow-out  ! 

The  country  plahi  gave  a  view  as  small 
As  ever  man  clapped  his  eyes  on, 
Where  the  sense  of  sight  did  easily  pall, 
For  it  kept  on  seeing  nothing  at  all. 

As  far  as  the  far  horizon ! 
Nothing  at  all !     Oh  !  what  do  I  say. 
Something  certainly  stood  in  the  way. 
Offending  the  eye,  as  Jack  Sheppard  the  gay. 
Once  offended  the  eye  of  Thames  Darrell ; 
It  was  a  sort  of  hermaphrodite  thing. 
It  might  have  been  filled  with  sugar  or  ling. 
But  't  is  very  unfit  for  a  Muse  to  sing. 
Betwixt  a  Tub  and  a  Bai-rel ! 


THE   NEW   TALE   OF   A  TUB.  ' 

It  stood  in  the  midst  of  that  Indian  plain, 
Burning  with  sunshine  and  waiting  for  rain, 
— A  parenthesis  balanced  'twixt  pleasure  and  pain — 

And  as  stiff  as  if  it  were  starching ; 
When  up  to  it,  over  the  brown  and  green 
Of  that  Indian  soil,  were  suddenly  seen 

Two  gentlemen  anxiously  marching  \ 
These  two  gentlemen  were,  if  you  please, 
The  aforesaid  couple  of  Bengalese  ! 
And  the  Tub  or  Barrel  that  stood  beyond — 

For  short,  we  will  call  it  Tub  — 
Contained  with  pride, 
In  its  jolly  inside, 
The  prize  of  which  they  were  doatingly  fond, 

The  aforesaid  gentlemen's  grub  ! 

"  Leave  ns  alone  —  come  man  or  come  beast,*' 
Said  the  eldest,  "  we  '11  soon  have  a  shy  at  the  feast," 
They  are  gone  to  their  pic-nic  with  might  and  with  main, 
But  what  do  we  see  in  the  front  of  the  plain  1 
A  jungle,  a  thicket  of  bush,  weed,  and  grass. 
And  in  it  reposing  —  0  no  !  not  an  ass  — 

Not  an  ass,  not  an  ass, 

That  could  not  come  to  pass  — 
No  donkey,  no  donkey,  no  donkey  at  all. 
But  superb  in  his  slumber,  a  Royal  Bengal ! 

Tho'  Royal,  he  was  n't  a  King ! 
No  such  thing  ! 
He  did  n't  rule  lands  from  the  Thames  to  the  Niger, 

But  he  did  hold  a  reign 

O'er  that  jungle  and  plain. 
And  besides,  was  a  very  magnificent  Tiger, 


b  THE   NEW    TALE   OF   A   TUB. 

There  he  lay, 

In  his  skin  so  gay, 

His  passions  at  rest,  and  his  appetites  curbed ; 
A  Minister  Prime, 
In  his  proudest  time, 

Asleep,  was  never  less  undisturbed. 
For  who  would  come  to  shake  him ; 
Nor  more  certain  sure, 
In  his  dream  demure. 
That  none  would  dare  to  wake  him. 

Oh  the  Royal  snore  is  the  only  thing 

That 's  entitled  to  rouse  up  a  Tiger-King  ! 


\  ■' 


BENGAL  EASE. 


The  Bengalese,  in  cool  apparel, 
Meanwliile  have  reached  their  pic-nic  barrel ; 
In  other  words,  they  have  tossed  the  grub 
Out  of  their  great  provision  tiab, 
And  standing  it  up  for  shelter, 
Sit  guzzling  underneath  its  shade, 
With  a  glorious  dinner  ready  made, 

Which  they're  eating  helter-skelter  ! 
Ham  and  chicken,  and  bread  and  cheese, 
They  make  a  pass 
To  spread  on  the  grass. 
They  sit  at  their  ease, 
Their  plates  on  their  knees, 
And  now  their  hungry  jaws  they  appease, 
And  now  they  turn  to  the  glass  ; 
For  Hodgson's  ale 
Is  genuine  pale. 
And  the  bright  champagne 
Flows  not  in  vain. 
The  most  convivial  souls  to  please 
Of  these  very  thirsty  Bengalese  ! 
But  one  of  the  two  has  relinquished  his  fork, 
And  wakes  up  the  Tiger  by  drawing  a  cork ! 


10  THE   NEW   TALE   OF   A  TUB. 

Blurting  and  spirting ! 
List !     O  list ! 
Perhaps  tlie  Tiger  thinks  he  is  hissed  ! 
Effervescing  and  whizzed  and  phizzed ! 
Perhaps  His  Majesty  thinks  he  is  quizzed, 
Or  haply  deems, 
As  he's  roused  from  his  dreams. 
That  his  visions  have  come  to  a  thirsty  stop, 
And  resolves  to  moisten  his  throat  with  a  drop. 

At  all  events,  with  body  and  soul. 
He  gives  in  his  jungle  a  stretch  and  a  roll, 
Then  regally  rises  to  go  for  a  stroll, 
With  a  temperate  mind, 
For  a  beast  of  his  kind. 
And  a  tail  uncommonly  long  behind ! 
He  knows  of  no  water. 

By  field  or  by  flood ; 
He  does  not  seek  slaughter. 

He  does  not  scent  blood ; 
No  !  the  utmost  scope 
Of  his  limited  hope, 
Is,  that  soon  as  the  Bengalese  find  he  arrives, 
They  '11  not  rise  from  their  pic-nic  and  run  for  their  lives, 
But  simply  bow  from  that  beaiatiful  plain. 
And  offer  Sir  Tiger  a  glass  of  champagne ! 
"From  my  jungle  it  true  is. 

They  'woke  me,  I  think. 
So  the  least  they  can  do  is 
To  give  me  a  drink." 


THE  ARTFUL  DODGE. 


Gently  the  Tiger  crouctes  along, 
Humming  a  kind  of  animal  song  ; 
A  sweet,  subdued,  familiar  lay. 
As  ever  was  warbled  by  beast  of  prey ; 
And  all  so  softly,  tunefully  done. 

That  it  made  no  more  sound 

Than  his  tail  on  the  ground. 
And  the  Bengalese  heard  it,  never  a  one  ! 


Gently  Tiger  steals  along, 
*  Mild  as  moon-beam,'  meek  as  a  lamb  ; 
What  so  suddenly  changes  his  song 
From  a  tune  to  a  growl  ? 
"  Och,  by  my  soul, 
Nothing  on  earth  but  the  smell  of  the  ham  ! 
He  quickens  his  pace. 

The  illigant  baste, 
And  he's  running  a  race 
With  himself,  for  a  taste, 
And  he's  taken  to  roaring,  and  given  up  humming, 
Just  to  let  the  two  Bengalese  know  he  is  coming !  " 


12  THE   NEW  TALE   OF  A  TUB. 

What  terrors  seize 

The  Bengalese  ! 
Short-and-Stout,  with  his  hair  all  grey, 

Has  a  rattling  note 

In  his  jolly  old  throat : 
If  he'd  choked  his  laugh  with  a  truss  of  hay, 
Or  been  dunned  for  a  bill  which  he  couldn't  pay. 
He  couldn't  more  surely  have  stifled  the  gay. 
While  Tall-and-Thin,  with  his  hair  all  carrotty, 

Looks  thrice  as  red — 

With  fright — as  his  head, 

And  his  face  bounds  plump, 

At  a  single  jump, 
Into  horror,  and  out  of  hilarity  ! 

All  they  can  hear, 

In  their  terrible  fear, 

Behind  and  before. 

Is  the  Tiger's  roar  : 

Again  and  again — 

Over  the  plain — 

Clearer  and  clearer — 

Nearer  and  nearer ; 
Into  the  tub,  now,  its  way  it  has  found. 
Where  its  echoes  keep  rolling  round  and  round. 
Till  out  of  the  bung-hole  they  bursting  come. 
Like  a  regiment  of  thunders  escaped  from  a  drum  ! 
If  an  earthquake  had  shattered  a  thousand  kegs, 
The  terrified  Bengalese  couldn't — i'  fegs — 
Have  leapt  more  rapidly  on  to  their  legs  ! 
He's  at  them,  he's  on  them,  the  jungle  guest : 
When  a  man's  life  by  pex-il  is  prest. 
His  wits  will  sometimes  be  at  their  best ; 


THE  NEW  TALE   OF  A  TUB.  13 

And  so  the  presence  of  Tiger,  I  find, 
Inspires  our  heroes  with  presence  of  mind  ! 

There's  no  time  to  be  lost, 

Down  the  glasses  are  tost ; 
The  Bengalese  have  abandoned  their  grub, 
And  they're  dodging  their  gentleman  round  the  Tub  ! 
Active  and  earnest  they  nowhere  lodge, 
And  he  can't  get  at  them  because  of  their  dodge  ; 
Short-and-Stout  and  Tall-and-Thin, 
Never  before  such  a  scrape  wei'e  in  ; 
Nor  ever  yet  used — can  you  well  have  a  doubt  of  it  ? — 
So  uncommonly  artful  a  dodge  to  get  out  of  it ! 


C^-^>, 


■'1    <w.A't-^:,'IWMyf 


LOOK   BEFOEE  YOU   LEAP 


Tiger  keeps  prowling, 
Howling  and  growling  ; 
He  feels  himself  that  their  dodge  is  clever, 
And  thinks  'twill  surely  be  ending — never ; 
But  the  quick,  fresh  blood  of  the  Bengalese, 
Nicer  and  nicer,  he  snuffs  on  the  breeze  ! 
The  more  they  practise  their  dodge  recitals. 
The  more  he  longs  to  dine  on  their  vitals ! 
His  passion  is  up  !  his  hunger  is  keen  ! 
His  jaws  are  ready  !  his  teeth  are  clean  ! 

And  equal  their  limbs  to  sever  ! 
The  fire  is  flashing  in  light  from  his  eyes  ! 
In  his  own  peculiar  manner  he  cries — 
The  while  they  shine, 
"  If  I  mean  to  dine, 
I  had  better  begin," 
And  then  with  a  grin. 
And  a  voice  the  loudest  that  ever  was  heard. 
He  roared  "  Never  trust  to  a  Tiger's  word. 
If  this  dodge  shall  last  for  ever  ! 
No,  no,  no,  no — 
It  shall  be  no  go  ! 


IQ  THE   NEW   TALE   OF   A   TUB. 

There's  a  way  of  disturbing  this  Tub's  repose  ; 
So  down  on  your  knees, 
You  Bcngalese, 
And  prepare  to  be  eaten  up,  if  you  please  ; 
Here  goes  ! 
Here  goes  ! 

Here  goes !  here  goes !"  and  he  gave  a  spring. 
The  gentlemen  looking  for  no  such  thing, 
Might  have  fallen  a  prey  to  the  Tiger-King, 

But  a  certain  interference, 
Which  bursts  from  their  most  intelligent  Tub, 
May  enable  them  yet  to  return  to  their  grub, 

On  this  self-same  plain  a  year  hence  ! 
The  Tub,  though  empty  of  roll  and  ration. 
Is  full  of  a  certain  preservation — 

Of  which — though  it  does  not  follow 
In  every  case  of  argumentation — 
It  is  full  because  it  is  hollow  ! 
For  not  having  a  top,  and  no  inside  things. 
It  turns  top-heavy  when  Tiger  springs  ! 
And  making  a  kind  of  balancing  pause. 
Keeps  holding  the  animal  up  by  the  claws, 
In  a  manner  which  seems  to  fret  it ; 
While  Short-and-Stout, 
In  a  state  of  doubt, 
Keeps  on  his  belly  a  sharp  look-out ; 
And  Tall-and-Thin, 
With  an  impudent  grin, 
Exults  in  his  way. 
As  much  as  to  say, 
I  only  wish  you  may  get  it ! 
But  much  as  I  may  respect  your  agility, 
1  don't  see  at  present  the  least  probability  i '' 


p       ,1     /t,       p 


I 


5^* 


'■'■■?■ 

v,*. 


UNDER    COYER 


The  Tiger  has  leapt  up  heart  and  soul, 
It's  clear  that  he  means  to  go  the  whole 
Hog,  in  his  hungry  efforts  to  seize. 
The  two  defiancefnl  Bengalese  ! 

But  the  Tub!  the  Tub! 
Ay,  there  is  the  rub  ! 
At  present  he's  balanced  a  top  of  the  Tub ! 
His  fore  legs  inside. 
And  the  rest  of  his  hide, 
Not  weighing  so  much  as  his  head  and  his  legs, 
And  having  no  hand  in 
A  pure  understandin' 
Of  the  just  equilibrium  of  casks  and  of  kegs, 
Nor  bred  up  in  attics, 
And  taught  mathematics, 
To  work  out  the  problems  of  Euclid  with  pegs  ! 
He  has  plunged  with  the  impetus  wild  of  a  lover, 
And  the  Tub  has  loomed  large,  balanced,  paused,  and  turned 
over  ! 

The  Tiger  at  first  had  a  hobby-horse  ride, 

But  now  he  is  decently  quartered  inside. 
And  the  question  is  next,  long  as  Fortune  may  frown  on  him. 
How  the  two  Bengalese  are  to  keep  the  Tub  down  on  him ! 


18  THE   NEW   TALE    OF   A   TUB. 

'Bout  this  there's  no  bkmder, 
The  Tub  he  is  under. 
I  need  not  run  my  verse  to  the  end  of  a  sonnet, 
To  tell  how  the  Bengalese  both  jumped  upon  it, 
While  the  beautiful  barrel  keeps  acting  as  bonnet 
To  the  Tiger  inside. 
Who,  no  more  in  his  pride, 
Can  roam  o'er  the  jungle  and  plain, 
But  sheltered  alike  from  the  sun  and  the  rain. 

Around  its  interior  his  sides  deign  to  rub 

With  a  fearful  hubbub, 
And  long  for  his  freedom  again  ! 

The  two  Bengalese, 
Not  at  all  at  their  ease. 
Hear  him  roar,  and  deplore 
Their  prospects  as  sore. 
Forgetting  both  pic-nic  and  flask  ; 
Each  wondering,  dumb, 
What  of  both  will  become. 
Helps  the  other  to  press  on  the  cask  ; 
Resigned  to  their  fate. 
But  increasing  their  weight. 
By  action  of  muscle  and  sinew, 
In  order  that  forcibly  you,  Mr.  Tub, 
Whom  their  Niggers  this  morning  rolled  here  with  their  grub, 
May  still  keep  the  Tiger  within  you. 

On  the  top  of  the  Tub,  in  the  warmest  of  shirts, 
The  thin  man  stands,  while  the  fat  by  his  skirts 

Holds — anxiously  puffing  and  blowing  ; 
And  the  thin  peers  over  the  top  of  the  cask, 
•'Is  there  any  hope  for  us  1"   as  much  as  to  ask, 

With  a  countenance  cunning  and  knowing  ; 


THE  NEW  TALE   OF  A  TUB.  19 

And  just  as  lie  mournfully  'gins  to  bewail, 

In  a  grief-song  that  ought  to  be  sung  whole  ! 
He  twigs  the  long  end  of  the  Tiger's  tail, 
As  it  twists  itself  out  of  the  bung-hole  ! 

Then,  sharp  on  the  watch, 

To  give  it  a  catch, 
And  shouts  to  the  Tiger,  "  You've  now  got  your  match  ; 
You  may  rush  and  may  riot,  may  wriggle  and  roar, 
But  I'm  blest  if  I  let  your  tail  go  any  more  ! 
It's  as  safe  as  a  young  roasted  pig  in  a  larder. 
And  no  two  Bengalese  could  hold  on  to  it  harder !" 


mCKEASING  THE  INTEREST  OF  THE 

TAH.. 


With  the  Tiger's  tail  clenched  fast  in  his  fist, 
And  his  own  coat  tail  grasped  fast  to  assist, 
Stands  Tall-and-Thin,  with  Short-and-Stout, 
Each  on  the  top  of  the  Tub  to  scout, 
Tiger  within  and  they  without, 

And  all  in  a  pretty  pickle  ! 
Tiger  begins  by  giving  a  bound  ; 
The  Tub's  half  turned,  but  the  men  are  found 
To  have  very  carefully  jitmped  to  the  ground, 

At  trifles  they  must  not  stickle. 
It's  no  use  quaking  and  turning  pale. 
Pluck  and  patience  must  now  prevail. 
They  must  keep  a  hold  on  the  Tiger's   tail. 
And  neither  one  be  fickle  ! 
There  they  must  pull,  if  they  pull  for  weeks. 
Straining  their  stomachs,  and  bursting  their  cheeks. 
While  Tiger  alternately  roars  and  squeaks, 

Trying  to  break  away  from  them  ; 
They  must  keep  the  Tub  turned  over  his  back, 
And  never  let  his  long  tail  get  slack, 

For  fear  he  should  win  the  day  from  them. 
Yes  !  yes  !  they  must  hold  him  tight, 
From  night  till  morning  !  from  morn  till  night ! 


22  THE   NEW   TALE    OF   A   TUB. 

Mustn't  stop  to  think  ! 

Mustn't  stop  to  drink  ! 

Mustn't  stop  to  weep  ! 

Mustn't  stop  to  sleep  ! 
No  cry  !  no  laugh !  no  rest  !  no  gruh  ! 
Till  they  starve  the  Tiger  under  the  Tub  ! 

Till  the  animal  dies, 

To  his  own  surprise, 
"With,  two  Bengalese  in  a  deadly  quarrel. 
And  his  tale  thrust  through  the  hole  of  a  barrel ! 

Oh  dear  !  oh  dear  ! 
It's  very  clear 
They  can't  live  so — 
But  they  daren't  let  go. 

Fate  for  a  pitying  world  to  wail, 

Starving  behind  a  Tiger's  tail ! 

If  Invention  be  Necessity's  Son, 

Now  let  him  tell  them  what's  to  be  done  ; 

What's  to  be  done  1  ha  !  I  see  a  grin 

Of  joy  on  the  face  of  Tall-and-Thin, 
Some  new  device 
He  has  hit  in  a  trice, 

The  wMcli  he  is  telling  all  about 

To  the  gratified  gentleman,  Short-and-Stout. 

Wliat's  to  be  done  ? 
What  precious  fun ! 
Haven't  they  found  out  what's  to  be  done  'i 

See  !  see ! 
What  glorious  glee ! 

Note !  mark ! 
What  a  capital  lark  ! 


W"^^  S 


THE   NEW   TALE   OF   A   TUB.  23 

Tiger  aud  Tub,  and  buug-hole  and  all, 
Baffled  by  what  is  about  to  befall ; 
Excellent !  marvellous  !  beautiful !  0  ! 
Isn^t  it  now  an  original  go  ? 

Wliat?  stop! 
I'm  ready  to  drop  ! 

Hold  !  stay  ! 
I'm  fainting  away  ! 
Laughter  I'm  certain  will  kill  me  to-day  ; 
And  Short-and-Stout  is  bursting  his  skin, 
And  almost  in  a  fit  is  Tall-and-Thin, 
And  Tiger  is  free,  yet  they  do  not  quail, 

Though  temper  has  all  gone  wrong  with  him  ; 
No !  they've  Tied  a  Knot  in  the  Tiger's  Tail, 
And  he  carries  the  Tub  along  with  him  ; 
He's  a  freehold  for  life  with  a  tail  out  of  joint, 
And  has  made  his  last 

CLBIAX  A  TRUE  KNOTTY  POINT. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 

This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


Form  L9-427n^8,'49(B5573)444 


THE  LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNI>l 

LOS  ANGELES 


PR     Ba3^1ey  - 

-^^^^ Thft  now  Talo  of- 

B341n  a  tub. 


PR 

4079 

B341n 


